The First Milestone

well - we made it past 20w6d and i feel a heavy weight lifted, but i am still struggling with the exhale. now i wait for wk24 to come and hopefully go to wk 28.

as my birthday comes and the just over a week comes mothers day, i am feeling a little uneasy. more like a basket case. i cannot seem to get past the fact that i should be holding two wonderful and lively boys on may 10th.....and i wont be. however, i know in my heart and mind, that i should be greatful and joyful for being able to know that this little one is still growing and thriving. at the same time, i feel so much guilt to want to feel this way.

i am grateful, but i am sad inside.
i am joyful, but i am still sad inside.

i have had 2 pregnancies in my life and have now lost 3 children - this math just doesnt work.

i pray that God has something extraordinary in store for this little Aedyn.

Thank you my friends for yours and support - yesterday was a hard day for me and today is not much better, as i am sure tomorrow will also be difficult.
i know once these few days have passed, i will be able to exhale.

over this weekend, we will be getting the office cleared out and a new desk and wall until for storage in it.
the room will be completed with its beginning decor on the walls and what not.
DH and I are going out to the raceway for some event - i just want to spend some time with him.

we are going to throw out the junk in our house!!!

clearing out the old and in with the new!

I do have another u/s coming up -not sure if i remembered to share that it will be the friday just before Mother's day!

Have a wonderful weekend and many blessings as this April month comes to a close.

Turmoil of the heart

so it has been a while since i was here.

i have had quite a bit of turmoil in my heart.
the time is approaching in this pregnancy where with the twins they entered our world too soon. it is just over 24 hours away when Ethan was born at 20wks5days.

although i am overjoyed with being given a chance for this child to enter our lives, i feel somewhat sad, mad, and uninvolved.
on the one hand, i should be here writing about Ethan and Andrews 3+months of wonderful growth, but on the other hand reality sets in and i am here writing about a new baby coming and i still cannot seem to get past this unattachment.

i have taken steps to try to bring some type of attachment or bond into this pregnancy, but i cant seem to get past the past.

we have completed putting the crib, chest, and armoire together and set up the room somewhat, we still need the decor on the walls - but this will be in the next weeks to come.

we have given this little peanut a name - Aedyn, weather he is a he or she is a she.

it is like life has gone on and i am still standing in the sadness and sorrow of losing my boys. i almost feel so selfish and unappreciative of this miracle Gods has given me.....
despite the fact that he once again took what he gave me.
not just loosing Ethan and Andrew, but also loosing Aedyn's twin not even 10 wks ago - on of all days - Ash Wednesday.

I am still waiting for the shoe to drop - my next appt has another u/s and an echo for the baby......i keep thinking that will be the end of this pregancy too.

I know that i am still in a state of grief for not only the boys but for the lost twin......i just cant seem to get out of the funk to enjoy this pregnancy and the fact that i might really get to bring this little peanut home to love and hold and nurture into a wonderful person.

I am quite sure that these feelings are overwhelming me because of the timing in this pregnancy,and i am sorry to be such a downer today.

I know that the Lord walks with me and has great things instore for this child, after all the pain and sorrow that has been bestowed on his/her parents in less than a year's time.

Many blessings as this passover week comes to an end.

They are all actually the cog.nac color - however the armoire's picture looks a little off :)

Crafty Projects for Aedyn's Room

well i spent the weekend working on snoopy crafts, i made a memory board, 2 clothes pegs with snoopy fabric, a step stool, and some cute little single picture frames. everything was made with snoopy fabric!

also picked up from Micha.els AEDYN in unfinished wood - and DH is painting them and then will mount them on the snoopy fabric board for just above the baby's crib.

when we are done putting the room together in the next few weeks, i will post a picture of all the hard work....as it is currently a work in progress.

i will post the furniture though - it is all Stork.craft - Asp.en Furniture - very very well priced!

Hump Day - Go Go Go Go Go!

so it is now the middle of the week and it has been non stop. well - i am stopping for a moment now!

I am getting more and more excited for Friday, not because it marks the end of the week, but we will get to see this little one.

Our little boy/girl - who knows - Aedyn.

I am hoping to have lots of pictures to post for the world to see the Miracle God has granted.

In addition, getting to Sunday will mark the 18 wk milestone (saturday) which is when Ethan's water broke - so getting to Sunday for me will be one less mark for fear and then there are 3 more to go.....
The 20wk5/6 day when the twins were born, the 24wk milestone, and finally the 28wk milestone.

Then the woo hoo of a vacation so the neices and nephew can see Aunt Christine WAY Pregnant in the beautiful area of Estes Park CO.

I have 4 more months to get the office ready for my maternity leave. ironically enough, our Financial Audit is scheduled for wk39 :) i missed last years for being out on maternity leave and i will miss it again this year!!! well kind of - i will probably still work on things from home or the hospital.....dedication i tell ya.

Have a wonderful humpday - all.

P17 shots vs PIO

Well tonight is the night - Shot 2 of the P17 shot. Not bad, but I am back to those 1.5inch needles 22 gauge - they are thick needles. I was getting use to those 25 gauge from the PIO in Ethyl Olate.

P17 you ask - this is 17-hydroxyprogesterone caproate in CASTOR OIL, yes i said castor oil - thick is an understatement.

All in all, it is once a week and is doing a good job so far as i know.

I can say that after the shot - i cant quite feel the baby bouncing around as much.

Since the formula has some type of muscle relaxant to keep the uterus from contracting - i figure the baby is still in there bouncing around, i just can feel it quite a much.

I love my doppler, i still have not figured out how to record it yet, but am working on it.

Have a great week friends - March is almost over!

What a week

Okay so I figured out how to do a few changes to this blog - i am getting used to it still.

the week has been quite busy, with work, taxes, and sleep :)

Last night, i was playing with the home doppler and found the baby's heartbeat right away! 149! What a lovely sound, i have to figure out how to record it so i can post it....give me a week or so to do that.

This weekend is all about making room for the baby. we are going to be cleaning house and getting rid of things we no longer use, need, or have never used and will not be using! Luke AFB Airman's attic (the Air Forces Goodwill) here we come with lots and lots!

I have also been blessed by two wonderful friends with baby clothes ---- so much i have to buy more containers!

we are going to begin getting the baby's room ready. i am setting aside time at the end of April to finish our wonderful snoopy curtains and get some of the pillow's and blankets done.....my sewing machine wont know what hit it!

I am still a little worried as this next month is very critical for us. with the twins, Ethan's water broke at wk 18 which would be next saturday, and we delivered him at wk 20 and 5 days, then Andrew at wk 20 and 6 days. As wk 21 passes, it will be a goal to make it to wk 24, then wk 28, then wk 32, and finally wk 36 - not really sure how far i will go after that.

As my angels continue to watch over their little brother/sister - and I continue to walk in faith that God has a plan for this child - I am still struggling with fear.

DH and I are off to watch a movie and spend some time together! Have a great weekend my friends!

A wonderful Easter

So this weekend was Easter - what is Easter really?

Most of the world celebrates the joy that Jesus brought to us with his sacrafice, others have no idea and buy bunnies, eggs, and jelly beans.

I am torn with a baby on the way and the loss of my two boys weather to fall into the societal norm for the occasion.

It is very difficult to be happy when there is still so much sadness in my heart. At the same time, I am so very thankful for this opportunity and still much sadder that for this lenten season, as Ash Wednesday came, i gave up on having twins as baby A's heart stopped beating. I am then reminded that on Good Friday - I was given a Good Report.

And I know how very blessed I am to have Jesus in my life to be with me all the time. Without him, I would be lost in a sea of darkness and dispair over Ethan and Andrew.....yet without him, I would also not be carrying this little peanut.

Oh what a confusing time - I guess that could be a big reason that I had an extremely awful headache Sunday Evening, or it could just be that I was due for an extremely awful headache.

Thanks for listening to me ramble today! Have a blessed week.

Cervical Length Scan

so today is the big day!! CL Scan went very well 5.7 cm!!

and we got some pics of the little one - upside down---standing on his/her head. and what a beautiful spin, long long legs and arms.

two weeks we get the big Scan - where they measure everything!