Turmoil of the heart

so it has been a while since i was here.

i have had quite a bit of turmoil in my heart.
the time is approaching in this pregnancy where with the twins they entered our world too soon. it is just over 24 hours away when Ethan was born at 20wks5days.

although i am overjoyed with being given a chance for this child to enter our lives, i feel somewhat sad, mad, and uninvolved.
on the one hand, i should be here writing about Ethan and Andrews 3+months of wonderful growth, but on the other hand reality sets in and i am here writing about a new baby coming and i still cannot seem to get past this unattachment.

i have taken steps to try to bring some type of attachment or bond into this pregnancy, but i cant seem to get past the past.

we have completed putting the crib, chest, and armoire together and set up the room somewhat, we still need the decor on the walls - but this will be in the next weeks to come.

we have given this little peanut a name - Aedyn, weather he is a he or she is a she.

it is like life has gone on and i am still standing in the sadness and sorrow of losing my boys. i almost feel so selfish and unappreciative of this miracle Gods has given me.....
despite the fact that he once again took what he gave me.
not just loosing Ethan and Andrew, but also loosing Aedyn's twin not even 10 wks ago - on of all days - Ash Wednesday.

I am still waiting for the shoe to drop - my next appt has another u/s and an echo for the baby......i keep thinking that will be the end of this pregancy too.

I know that i am still in a state of grief for not only the boys but for the lost twin......i just cant seem to get out of the funk to enjoy this pregnancy and the fact that i might really get to bring this little peanut home to love and hold and nurture into a wonderful person.

I am quite sure that these feelings are overwhelming me because of the timing in this pregnancy,and i am sorry to be such a downer today.

I know that the Lord walks with me and has great things instore for this child, after all the pain and sorrow that has been bestowed on his/her parents in less than a year's time.

Many blessings as this passover week comes to an end.